Sunny Side Up….
Spandex use is up 400%…I’m not kidding folks! Well, that got your attention didn’t it? And I’m talking about shorts and swim wear. Makes me nauseous just thinking about it. So why is usage up? That’s a good question, and even though I waited patiently for the guy on the radio to explain that finding, NO explanation was given. I know ‘retro’ is ‘in’, but spandex shorts and/or swimsuits should NEVER be allowed back in…anywhere, anytime. My eyes are burning at the mere thought of men in spandex again and I can’t find the Visine in the medicine cabinet.
That bit of news brought the whole bathing suit issue to mind, and being summer is officially a few days away, it’s time to dig through the drawers, shake it out and try it on, only to find out that it shrunk during the winter.
You notice that men don’t seem to be bothered by how they look in a bathing suit? Beer belly, man boobs and hairy backs, they don’t care. The misguided souls that they are, seem to think they look good no matter what they’re wearing. Women on the other hand try to be considerate of those whom we may traumatize at the poolside or beach. I think sunglass companies should design a pair that make everyone look good when seen through the tinted lenses. Amen is right!
Anyway, mens swimming garments have evolved(?) from wool long john type suits that I’ve no doubt itched, short suits that offered no housing for the ‘crew’, spandex that offered housing but…ouch, my eyes!…to the (thankfully) recently popular knee length cargo shorts that offer housing AND don’t burn your retinas. So when a guy needs a new swim suit he simply goes into a store, tries on couple of pairs and then buys the first one that fits under his belly and has enough elasticity to make room for that extra burger and cola chaser (beer where available) from the nearest concession stand.
Women’s swimming garments have gone from “swimming dresses” with small weights in the hem to keep them from floating up, one piece suits, bikini ‘s and, eeww, the thong suit that covers less area than a strip of dental floss.
Some women go bathing suit shopping every year. I KNOW! I won’t put myself through that rerun of hell unless I’m medicated. Well that, plus the suit I have has shrunk, is 10 years out of style or I’ve lost it…uh the bathing suit. I lose my mind at the thought of shopping for one.
It’s the same every time. Racks with suits that look like pieces of scrap material held together with little bits of string, next to racks with suits that have a bikini top and the bottom half is a skirt, to a rack with the ever present one piece suits. They come with floral patterns, polka dots, stripes, play dough day glo colors and basic black. I’ll spot one that has potential, only to find out it has no bra…NO BRA. At my age, bathing suits with just a lining in the bust area do nothing but make me look like I’ve stashed a rather long jelly roll in there…..just north of my bellybutton. Obviously whoever designs these suits are either male or still young enough that they’re under the illusion THEY won’t suffer the ravages of gravity.
Then there’s having to enter the chamber of horror..aka fitting room, which should be renamed the unfitting room as nothing I take in there fits….well….as in fits well. And what’s with the fun house mirrors? Trust me, I’m not laughing. I then have to take in at least 3 different styles that promise to hide (or at least disguise) this middle aged, menopausal body’s imperfections, by which I mean dimply, ill proportioned and gravitationally challenged parts. I also choose 3 different sizes because the clothing industry can’t seem to agree on what size is what size. You know….size 10 in one brand is a 14 in another. And don’t get me started on size 0.
Then comes trying to pull on the suit, a feeling I assume is akin to being sausage meat forced into its casing. It’s always too tight here, and too loose there. While trying to readjust areas that need tucking in, out I pop some place else, and as I glance at the mirror and see the spectacle that is me, I expect it to shatter at any moment. I attempted to try a suit on once without my glasses on, but I ended up with it on backwards, which gave me room on the lower tummy front, but, as it was a halter and therefore had no back material, left my bosom sunny side up…so to speak. It was NOT the look I was going for. It’s no wonder that once I’ve found a bathing suit that’s at all workable, I hang on to it for as long as possible.
So, after rummaging through the drawers and cupboards, I’ve not found my old suit. Aaaack! Maybe I’ll just avoid the pool and the beach this year. And with the money I save on Visine and medication, I can buy a kiddie pool for the backyard, which is conveniently enclosed by a tall fence and large trees.
I feel better already